Jolly Roger:
 Massacre 
  at Cutter's Cove 

Slasher Trash with Panache?

Review:JA Kerswell

Shiver me timbers! Or not. From the home of the mockbuster comes this rather mouldy killer pirate tale. Partying teens accidentally resurrect a long-dead privateer, who collects the heads of the present-day folk of Cutter’s Cove, whose ancestors did him dirty 300 years previously. Featuring acting more wooden than a sunken galleon, audio sounding like it was recorded underwater, and production values just above those of a corporate video. This is saved from a long walk down a short plank by a high body count and some cheap, but occasionally effective gore gags. 
 
JOLLY ROGER starts as it means to go on, as a Dollar Store version of THE FOG (1980). Six ghost-story-telling teens party on a beach at night around a campfire (which looks like it was filmed in a kids' sandbox and probably was). At first, it seems they were knowingly parodying the acting in ‘60s Beach Party movies, but it soon becomes clear that, no, they just can’t act and say things such as “We can’t all be rocket surgeons.” Two split off to make out and stumble across a treasure chest lying near the surf (and when I say surf, I mean a paddling pool with some builder’s sand piled up next to it). Supposedly washed up by a hurricane, they open it up and find a skull, which they toss into the water—and, through the magic of a digital dissolve, it becomes the title character emerging from the producer’s swimming pool looking like a barbequed Jack Sparrow. This berserk buccaneer is clearly a fan of JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1993), as he uses his sword to bisect the female teen as she grinds atop her date. 

The killer pirate swiftly dispatches two other teens (one with a spike with a marshmallow on the tip pushed through her eye and the other with his head lopped off with a swift swish of his cutlass). The two other party-goers—Jess (Kristina Korn) and Alex (Tom Nagel)—hotfoot it out of there. Although sadly not to acting school. The next day, the gruesome scene is investigated by the local Sheriff Chief Matthis (Thomas Downey—arguably the only actor in this thing that doesn’t sound like he’s reading his lines in the style of a washing machine manual). Naturally, the two teenagers come under suspicion and are taken to the local police station for questioning. However, as Alex had a previous encounter with the law, he and Jess do another runner and try to uncover the truth about the ghostly slasher sea wolf and his glowing red eyes …
The Asylum has a reputation, and arguably not much of it is good. Eight years before they struck bad movie gold with SHARKNADO (2013) and entered the public consciousness for their knowing irony, they produced this late-to-the-game post-SCREAM (1996) slasher movie. Although, ironically, they had competition with the similarly themed slasher CROSSBONES (also 2005). Whilst budget-challenged films of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and even ‘90s often have their charms, that charm had arguably evaporated by 2005. JOLLY ROGER rarely qualifies as so-bad-that-it’s-good. It isn’t funny enough (on purpose or otherwise) and has zero suspense. Even the scene where the killer beheads a topless pole dancer at a strip club manages to be drab. The acting is often awful, but it is also too flat to get a rise out of its audience. To make matters worse, the production values are threadbare to an extent that it’s often difficult to hear what people are saying. What’s the point of having your title character throw out bon mots when it just sounds like he’s mumbling through a hessian sack? Even when you can hear him, he makes PSYCHO COP (1988) sound like Dorothy Parker, with such weak ass missives as “You took my treasure, matey!”
 
However, where JOLLY ROGER does score some points is with its robust body count and gleeful bloodletting. Whilst some of its not-so-special effects have that now incredibly phoney early ‘2000s looking digital look, a good deal of the gore is hokily effective and displays an inventiveness missing from the rest of the film. Also, arguably, the title character is one in search of a better movie. Roger LaForge—with his belt hanging with the human heads he has collected—is a character with potential for a movie with more zip, but this assembly line slasher is sadly a poor showcase. 

BODY COUNT 10: 
Female 5 / Male 5

1. Male found with a guitar neck pushed into his face
2. Female has machete stabbed into the back of her head
3. Female killed (method unseen)
4. Female killed with cleaver and later found decapitated
5. Male killed (method unseen)
6. Male killed (method unseen)
7. Female stabbed in the back and hit over the head with a rock
8. Male whacked in the head with an axe
9. Male is stabbed in the neck with a penknife
10. Female shot through the eye with an arrow
11. Male is garotted
12. Male is stabbed to death
13. Male has his tongue pulled out of neck wound
14. Male is stabbed in the back
15. Female is stabbed repeatedly in the back
16. Female is hit in the stomach with a battle axe

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