2 and a half stars   
"You're screwed."
directed by: John Steven Ward
starring: Anna Faris, Diedre Kilgore, Carter Roy, Brian Allemand, Jori Wanquist, Matt Riedy, Richard Sanders, Suzanne Bouchard, Jon Steven Ward, Ed Bailey, Erin J. Dean, Riley Smith, Ben Indra, Megan Hunt, Collin F. Peacock

(back of video blurb):

There's no safe sex.

Valentine’s Day-a day for love and romance. Right? Not anymore.

Thirteen years ago on Valentine’s Day, two young lovers were brutally murdered at Lovers Lane by a crazed killer wielding a steel hook. The killer was caught and sent to the state mental hospital.

It’s once again Valentine’s Day and the killer has escaped with revenge in his heart…and a hook! Sexy teens Michael and Mandy join friends at Lovers Lane and soon the partygoers begin to disappear one slash at a time. Now it’s up to the teens to stop the rampaging killer and make sure that history is not repeated."

choice dialogue:

"Look, in case you hadn’t noticed, I happen to be the best piece of ass in this town. Now, how is it gonna sound when I tell everyone in school that you’re just another big mouth with a limp dick?”"

The Homecoming Queen trying to get laid at Lovers Lane.

slash with panache?
[review by Jacob Helgren]

Post FRIDAY THE 13TH slashers were a huge trend in the mid-eighties. Some of the luckier films, especially if they had Jamie Lee Curtis in them, actually got theater releases; but unfortunately, the majority of these films were overlooked by theaters and were sent directly to video. Since the success of SCREAM, the US film industry has cashed in on the new fad of slasher films. Other countries, such as the Germany and Australia, have followed in suit with popular films like SCHOOL'S OUT and CUT. But not every new slasher film can be popular, and although there haven’t been an overabundance of direct-to-video flicks, a few have graced our presence, such as Canada’s THE CLOWN AT MIDNIGHT, US’s BIG BROTHER.COM, CHERRY FALLS and the dreadful DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET. This is also the case with the rare little slasher pic LOVERS LANE.

There's slaughter is Lovers Lane!

As far as cliches and mimicking other films go, LOVERS LANE tops the charts. The film begins “13 Years Ago” with a couple (named Jimmy and “Dee Dee”) as they heavily make out in a convertible. A car pulls up behind them and they briefly stop necking…all seems to be well so the interlude continues. But before one can say “I Know What Your ‘Urban Legend’ Did Last Summer”!!! a hook-handed man donning a hood and prison clothing attacks the car by thrusting his hook into the convertible (shocker!) top. The couple, half-dressed, flees to the car behind them, and the obvious escape vehicle of the inmate. Upon opening the door, the couple discover two dead adults, and “Dee Dee” screams as our generic title flashes upon the screen.

The quiet before the storm ...

We then are introduced to the same scene, only this time with cops all around, including Sheriff Anderson, who we find out is the husband of the butchered woman in the car, and his young child Mandy, witness to her mother’s mangled body. The butchered man’s wife, Penny Lamson, is the school principal, and the town psychiatrist (and sheriff’s half-brother) Dr. Grefe is there to console his brother and coax the arrested convict into confession. It is assumed that the butchered couple were having a secret affair unbeknownst to their spouses.

Now, cut to the present, Valentine’s Day, where our little Mandy is now in high school, pretty in a geekish sort of way. She must endure the teasing of her peers, who include her half-cousin Chloe Grefe, the doctor’s daughter, school bombshell and bitchy Homecoming Queen; and Michael Lamson, the principal’s son, Chloe’s boyfriend, and all-around Mr. Popularity. Their friends, the in-crowd, consist of Michael’s back-stabbing best friend Brad, sex-crazed couple Tim and Kathy, bouncy blond cheerleader Janelle (Anna Faris before SCARY MOVIE) and Doug, the slightly overweight pervert and butt of every joke. The teens, of course, have planned a little party at lover’s lane that evening, and Mandy somehow gets dragged into going, as the heroine usually does.

Bloody pasts and bloody hooks!

Meanwhile, whilst the teens dramatize at the school, the hook-handed mental patient from 13 years before escapes (and I think we’re expected to be shocked)!!

What follows is typical: the teens gather at lover’s lane, where one of their own is murdered in front of their faces. The remaining teens flee to an old farmhouse in the area, and upon the usual “splitting up to make things quicker,” are offed one by one.

In this movie it is the adults, who although are not absent coinciding with slasher film tradition, that are annoying and who you want to see killed. The sheriff looks dry and bored, while our wig-wearing principal is overly dramatic. And even worse, when the adults go to look for the teens, they just can’t seem to find them, even after they’re told by some peers where they’re at!!

Anna Farris contemplates a future in scary movies!

Another annoyance is how characters are “supposed” to look like they’ve been conversing as they walk onto the screen, but the “background dialogue” is so horrible that silence would be more believable! The film’s largest flaw however, lies in the totally pointless (find something to take up space!) scene of people bowling while jazzy music plays ridiculously in the background. I thought I was watching “Grumpiest Old Men” for a second!

Now that I’m finished bashing it, though, I can attest that the film is the most enjoyable stinky-cheese of a good time. The young cast is interesting, and you can tell they were having fun when they made this movie. And the farmhouse scenes generate some suspense, especially with the almost-foggy look the camera portrays. The film also has more than one nasty, surprising little twist. Overall, this movie deserves, if nothing else, some serious points for trying.


BODYCOUNT 15  bodycount!   female:6 / male:9

       1) Male found killed with a hook
       2) Female found killed with a hook    
       3) Male killed (method unseen)     
       4) Male killed with hook  
       5) Male killed with hook in back
       6) Female killed with hook   
       7) Male killed with hook
       8) Male hooked in stomach
       9) Female hooked in nether regions!
     10) Male stabbed through legs and hooked     
     11) Female killed by car
     12) Male found dead 
     13) Female found dead    
     14) Female has throat slashed
     15) Male gets hook in the back