choice dialogue:

       Let's face it, by 1988 it had pretty much all been done hadn't it? All the holidays had been run through- Christmas had been axed; Halloween had been trashed; Summer had been slaughtered; Friday the 13th (it's not a holiday but, well…) had been well and truly dismembered. What could possibly be left? … How's about a skiing slay-a-thon? …

       Well, blood and snow look so striking- might as well go for it…

       ICED. What can I say? … Well, not much of any originality (hey like the movie!), apart from to quip that YELLOW SNOW might have been a more fitting title. ... That's not much of a review so I'll continue to say that it's safe to say that if you make it through the first five minutes of this film with your sanity intact and the eject button left un-pressed then, you can probably sit through anything. God knows I can sit through anything- although, I must admit, the cavalcade of obnoxious characters prancing around on the slopes had me pouring myself a very stiff shot of vodka before I resigned myself to the next 80 minutes of schlock. … The plot? … Ah yes, the plot. … A group of late 80's twenty-somethings gather for a spot of ski-ing and sex (in equal measures). Jeff invited Trina up for the weekend, but Trina has eyes for Cory- and Jeff seems a little unbalanced. To sort out who gets Trina's fair hand, Cory suggests- "A duel to the death! … The winner gets the damsel's maiden head!"- the duel, which involves a race ski-ing very slowly downhill (although clearly intended to look rather zippy), results in Jeff going arse-over-tit and making a fool of himself. … Jeff, who shows his unbalanced nature by gnashing his teeth and drinking vodka (a bit like me!), is pushed closer to the edge by the cruel jibes of mutual friends (all of whom are wearing the really nasty furry head bands); and the fact that he thinks Trina and Jeff are getting it on (when in-fact they are arm wrestling!)- causing him to break in on them and make even more of a fool of himself. … After more vodka Jeff confides to (an unseen someone) how much he hates his friends, and then wanders off drunkenly onto the slopes clutching skis and wearing a natty orange sun visor. He attempts to re-run the route he raced with Cory, (this is intercut with many a heaving buttock as Cory and Trina decide to actually get it on) but he must have taken a wrong turn as he flies off a particularly steep slope and lands stomach down on some rocks…

       OK. How's this for cliché? … 4 years later the group of merry makers (including the, now married couple, Cory and Trina) find themselves gathered together in an isolated ski lodge. Invited by- they're not quite sure; it's the first time they've met since the death of their 'dear' friend Jeff - and, before they've even checked out the sleeping arrangements, one of the merry band has been spread like raspberry jam across a snowbound highway by a snowplough driven by someone wearing a cracked orange sun visor… Hmmmm.

       Pretty much the next hour is spent filling the screen with big teased hair (on the ladies) and, the hair-cut that time forgot (and hopefully threw away the key)- the mullet (on the men). They talk, they flirt, they take drugs, they eat root vegetables- all the while the killer is watching them (through a cheesier than cheesy pov shoot through the cracked orange visor). … So it's here (oh Gawd!) we get to know the group a little bit better. Well, Trina is obviously a fitness fanatic. Whilst Jeanette (we'll get to her!) prepares dinner, Trina exercises with barbells and, when she hasn't got barbells, she lifts a rolling pin (and I'll not even mention her leg stretches by the fridge). … Carl has one of those titchy ponytails that only real wankers have- he's in pharmaceuticals and so it isn't long before he's chopping up the little white powder and wandering around butt naked. … We know about Cory (blond mullet) … There's caring sharing paediatrician John and his nervy wife Dianne; and there's Jeanette… ah yes, Jeanette. … Does the name Lisa Loring ring any bells? … If not, then perhaps Wednesday Adamms might. You see, Lisa Loring played that character on the original 60's tv show; and here she is- in ICED. … I checked the IMDB and they attribute this quote to her … "I will not do any schlock. But I'd LOVE to do a Quentin Taratino film." … Well, here she has mile long neon pink finger nails and spends about a quarter of her screen time nekkid- usually soapy and nekkid in a hot tub and, my, she must have realy dirty breasts- the way she keeps on soaping them. ... I'd dread to think what she really means by schlock!

       What can I say? … ICED goes exactly where you think it will. There's some pretty fun death scenes which unsurprisingly employ a plethora of skiing and snowy ways to kill off the cast- icicle through the fore-head anybody?! … There's a little bit of a knowing wink to the audience when, during dinner, the group discuss the appeal of bad movies- one of them quipping, "The only time you watch the screen if there's someone naked or getting killed- or both!" … And, to cap it off, the final girl spends the film's climactic scenes running through the snow in her underwear. Oh, and to really cap it off, ICED has one of the most stupid "5 years later" twist ending committed to celluloid (or should that be to cheap video tape?).

BODYCOUNT 7     female:2 / male:5

       1) Male dies after skiing off cliff and lands on rocks
       2) Male flattened by snow plough
       3) Male has ski-stick shoved through neck
       4) Female stabbed in the eye with icicle
       5) Female electrocuted in hot tub
       6) Male caught in bear trap
       7) Male stabbed with knife