HOME SWEET HOME review: page 2

        Put it this way- the turkey stays pretty much intact. Most of the guests wander off and meet the giggling lunatic- if I had a dollar for every time someone, in this movie, mutters "I'll be right back", I'd be a very rich man indeed. Off they go, in search of wine, in search of petrol, in search of peas (yes, peas). Two of the ladies take a car out (in search of the wine- not the peas) and are gone for absolutely ages. Now, what cemented my suspicion that this film was made by an ex-porno crew- apart from the fact that both the women had all the thespian presence of a turnip, was their chance meeting with a couple of cops. They get pulled over for speeding. Trying to get off without a ticket the one in the driving seat adjusts her blouse so the patrolman can get a good eyeful of her breasts. He illuminates them with his torch- over and over again. Eventually the scene comes limping to an end after lots of anaemic innuendo. The policemen waddle away, one of them muttering to the other "Did you see the chick with the big bazzooms?!"; the ladies aren't any better one of them coos, "I wish they'd take us into.. seductive custody!" Needless to say their car won't start after the patrol car vanishes and they have to walk back to the house- in the dark... No, cliché isn't a stranger to HOME SWEET HOME. Not only is the power cut, but also the telephone wires are cut just to be sure. One car breaks down; another runs out of petrol... and so it goes on.

       And on it goes, with only a cursory nod to suspense (actually, against all odds, the film does manage to generate a little in its closing half hour- the emphasis on 'little' though). Where HOME SWEET HOME really shines (God, did I really just write that?), is in its creative kills. Now, we're not talking Savini here. No, but there are some really cheesy death scenes in this movie. How many movies do you know that have: a moustached 70's relic love god get garrotted with his gold chain and medallion? A man, looking under the hood of a car, being crushed when Jay takes a flying leap and lands on it (!)? Or how about death by being electrocuted via an electric guitar (yep, he gets his just deserts- actually, he seals his own fate by, when pleading for someone else's life he uses this as a plea bargain, "I'll do anything... I'll play my guitar...anything!" -doh!)

       It also gains some kind of points for having one of the strangest screen psychos of all time. Jay is played by Jake Steinfeld, who is apparently better known as a promoter of bodybuilding and weight loss programmes. He's so muscular and wide that he looks just plain freakish; add the shrill giggle and the perm then you have a one of a kind villain (I hope and I pray). Jay is so hard, or so pumped full of PCP that he takes the old cliché of the indestructible bogeyman to new levels; when he gets stabbed in the back he continues to stalk and giggle even with the knife handle protruding from his blood soaked t-shirt... Also worthy of mention is the film's final girl- who's marked for survival because she's good with children and looks like Suzanne Sommers. As I mentioned before she spends the best part of the film showing the kind of look of fear you'd expect from a root vegetable; she then changes into a right old screamer overacting like there's no tomorrow- maybe Jay slipped her some of his Angel Dust. Also, she marks herself out from other heroines of the period by actually fainting during the climactic chase. Jamie Lee Curtis is handy with the old knitting needles when it calls for her to be; and Amy Steel is handy with the machete means she needs to- the final girl here just goes narcoleptic in a cupboard when the ante is upped; how old fashioned!

       HOME SWEET HOME is a truly terrible movie. It's bad to the very core; but if you are in just the right mood and you're an aficionado of cheese then you might get a few kicks out of this fetid stinker.

BODYCOUNT 9     female:5 / male:4

       1: Male strangled
       2: Old lady run down messily with car
       3: Male crushed to death by hood of car
       4: Male garotted with his gold medallion and chain!
       5: Female thrown over car and brained on a rock
       6: Female stabbed to death with broken bottle
       7: Female stabbed in chest with knife
       8: Male electrocuted with portable electric guitar!
       9: Male has throat slit with knife