1 star       Cheese Rating: 75% Fierce Fondue!
"Someone out there is watching you...
Don't unlock your door."

directed by: John McCauley
starring: Chris Holder, Molly Cheek, Tony Crupi, Danny Bonaduci, Laura Melton, Stuart Whitman


(back of video blurb):

       " An escapee from a mental institution is on the prowl, leaving behind him a trail of victims. He will not stop until he captures the beautiful girl Jessie and subjects her to his own strange behaviour.

       The peaceful summer community is now terrorized by an unknown butcher. The police furiously work to find this deranged killer. He continues to stalk and slay each innocent victim in his own gruesome style.

       This suspense thriller, in the Hitchcock tradition, sustains the cold chill that creeps slowly up your spine until the twisting plot reaches its shocking conclusion. The identity of the killer is revealed to the amazement and horror of everyone. But will another Deadly Intruder escape? "

choice dialogue:

"Oh my God- you're crazy!"

The final girl finally catches on

slash with panache?

        "This suspense thriller…" - ha-ha!…. "..in the Hitchcock tradition.." - Bwa-ha- ha ha! … "…sustains the cold chill that creeps slowly up your spine…" - Bwa-ha- ha- choke!- Ha-ha! …"until the twisting plot reaches its shocking conclusion." … NO- stop! You're killing me!

       It's hard to believe that anyone would, even in jest, compare this hunk of crap with Hitchcock- for a start old Hitch never tried and elicit a laugh with a flatulent dog!

       This poverty row slasher starts as it means to go on- with zero class and zero thrills. … An unseen maniac escapes from a mental institution (yeah, we're not even trying to break new ground here), and is pursued by two Tastes like shi... attendants who end up getting killed at the hands of the nut on the loose with a handy plank. Next up a house-wife who's preparing breakfast whilst listening to Country music ( a cardinal sin in my book!) is strangled and drowned in her kitchen sink, during which her dressing gown bursts open to reveal her heaving bosoms (classy eh?). … We then cut to a police station where they are discussing the murders and the escaped loon- all the while accompanied by the farting mutt; ending in a comedy low where it's hinted that one policeman has put dog shit in another cop's mug of coffee (the Hitchcock homage's running thick and fast I think you'll agree). …We can't get away from there quick enough, but unfortunately it fails to get any better- believe me, it's down hill all the way from here!

       The action (and I use that term loosely) then centres on the town of Midvale- which seems to consist of an isolated ranch and an isolated fashion emporium. … A would-be enigmatic loner wanders into town- a shifty looking character Dinner part guests from Hell!who, rather than stop off to flick through the racks of tank-tops and snoods chooses the other option and wanders up to the isolated house. … Wouldn't you know it but all alone inside the house is a young woman preparing dinner, going by the name of Jessie… To cut a long story short the loner starts acting all weird outside the house- peering through windows and generally frightening the woman before offering to do a bit of wood chopping for her in reward for a (cheese) sandwich. The woman is obviously perturbed by the twitchy individual but bides her time until her dinner guests turn up. And who are her dinner guests? Only the majority of the staff at the fashion emporium- a wise-crackin' ginger bore (Danny Bonaduci from THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY no less!) and his wife, and a clean cut hunk who spins the unlikely tale that he's a Canadian magazine writer who's taken the job in the shop so he can research on how real people live. … They turn up at the house and let themselves in through the front door, which is unlocked despite the fact that the last 20 minutes have been taken up with Jessie convinced that the loner wants to get her with his big chopper!

       Now it isn't long before casual passersby start getting sliced-and-diced by the escaped psycho, as the dinner party is in full swing- faces pushed into revving engines; eyeballs plucked out with screw drivers; axes embedded in You'd scream too if you'd just wasted 90 minutes of your life sitting through this trash!backs (actually I'm making it sound like more fun than it actually is- believe me!). If you thought some of the latter FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels used to roll out incidental characters to carve up you 'aint seen nothing yet. The movie attempts to be clever by not revealing who's doing the dirty deeds- could it be the twitchy handyman (who later takes to following around a couple whilst grasping a sickle); or perhaps the hunky Canadian shop worker who seems too good to be true and continually pops out to the car to get another bottle of wine; or perhaps its that trumping pooch? … Put it this way, it doesn't quite live up to the breathless blurb on the back- and the conclusion is anything but 'shocking'.

       The only marginal surprise is the fact that the film doesn't follow the one night of slaughter pattern- which, unfortunately, means it drags on with an even less engaging premise where the, I guess she'd have to be called the 'final girl', is held hostage rather than go through the usual histrionics. But I wouldn't recommend you hire this dud to find out. That face doesn't belong to that ass!

     To throw a few good words its way (and I'm really trying to be generous here), there are a couple of ultra hokey but occasionally effective suspense scenes. If you're a fan of a bit of t&a you'll find your fill here- especially in the scene where, hilariously, Jessie takes a totally gratuitous bath and it is jaw-droppingly clear that they are using a body double for all the kind of lathering you only get in this kind of thing (clear by the fact that the body double must be at least ten years older!). … Hmmm, there's not much more I can bring myself to say on the subject (this is the kind of film you try and forget- not recall). … There is just one more thing which I guess is as much a word of warning as anything else- the music that accompanies THE DEADLY INTRUDER is a synth atrocity, the kind of thing that you'd imagine Jan Hammer would have banged out if he was having a seizure.

BODYCOUNT 10   bodycount!   female:3 / male:7

       1) Male hit over the head with a plank
       2) Male hit over the head and falls downstairs
       3) Female drowned in sink
       4) Male crushed by hydraulic car jack
       5) Male whacked in the back with axe
       6) Female has face pushed into whirring fan belt
       7) Male has eyeball plucked out with screw driver
       8) Male has head pushed through TV screen
       9) Female strangled
     10) Male beaten to death with fire poker