Have you ever wondered what a remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES would look like if it starred those poodle haired rockers of yesteryear, POISIN? No, neither had I - until I saw this film…

        This Swedish horror flick (trying to pass itself off as an American one) kicks off with a drunken bozo returning home to bully his downtrodden wife out of the last of her house keeping. As their small sons watch in horror they fight, he slashes her throat (resulting in a nonfatal wound), and she manages to plant the knife in his back as he stumbles out of the door. A fat bearded man turns up and barks "murderer!" at her, she grabs her kids and disappears into the icy night with the shouts of the man wringing in her ears….

        Cut forward to a snowy waste in 1985 and we are brought up to date with a solemn sounding voice-over "For the next 40 years the family hid out in the middle of nowhere … now intruders are on their way." Who are these intruders you may well ask? Well, none other than a prancing, preening poodle rock band 'Solid Gold' and their entourage which includes a group of big haired chicken dancin' models! … Now, I have a big soft spot for horror flicks that pit models against the unknown - as pure trash aesthetics go it don't get much better. I adore Amando de Osorio's HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES (1974), where models in cha-cha heels stumble around a ghost galleon; and DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981), where models in over sized sunglasses are chased amongst the sand dunes by perky Egyptian zombies! It's cheese heaven- pure and simple. So, naturally I was delighted to see that BLOOD TRACKS had a whole gaggle of teased hair beauties bouncing around the snowdrifts, as the group stumble across a deserted picturesque snowy mountain spot during the search for the location for the band's new rock video. … I was also delighted that the models got a whole scene to themselves when, in the back of the trailers they squeeze into spandex leotards and backcomb their hair to frightening heights. One of them, as she pulls on her costume, squeals to the seamstress "Hey! …This is torn!", the seamstress replies, "No, it's supposed to be like that- what d'ya think designers get paid for?!". … Then, shivering in their skimpy costumes, one of them complains to the shoot's director, "I'm going to freeze my tits off!", to which he quips back, " Who told you snow was warm, baby?!" ... (Hey, hey- I'm in trash heaven here!) … They then get to gyrate and pout as the band warble through a rawk atrocity called 'Rat-trap'. … I guess I could describe what the band look like but, as the saying goes, a picture speaks a thousand words. Put it this way, if you lived through the mid-late 80's you'll be, like me, haunted by the frightening flashbacks the mere whiff of hairspray can bring on. If you don't recall the period then just count yourself lucky. As for their thespian abilities, well, as with all the usual rock acts trying their hand at a little acting it's all they can do to hit their spots and not look straight at the camera!

        Anyway, it can't all be model antics (more's the pity). Bob, the shoot's director (played by a phenomenally bad actor giving perhaps one of the funniest performances in >>all<< horrordom) had earlier spotted a deserted building. John, the hunky seemingly ironically dubbed helicopter pilot (who's along for the ride), says, "..looks good from here but up close its just a factory". However, Bob in an unlikely rhapsody, enthuses, "It's gorgeous- it's just what we want!". … We'll, wouldn't you have known it, but housed in that particular building is the runaway Mother and her sons who have, in a somewhat unlikely plot move devolved into a group of oatmeal faced mutants ALA a certain Wes Craven movie, and have already slaughtered a workman who encroached on their territory and it's clear they won't be any friendlier to this new bunch of hairspray infidels- "they deserve no better", mutters the mutant matriarch, "...look at their women!".

         After what seems like an endless stream of avalanche stock footage (which gives rise to this classic dialogue- "Avalanches? Isn't that a little dangerous?" inquires a twitchy model, "Well, yeah - it could muss up your hair a little." replies one of the rockers laconically) the whole fast living group find themselves cut off from the rest of the world- and in a memorable scene they have to dig out one of the rockers and a naked groupie from a buried car (which is even better than it sounds due to the fact that said naked groupie throws a hissy-fit for no apparent reason when a floppy eared bunny rabbit twitches its nose at her).

         Unconcerned by their predicament everyone gets down to some serious partying in an adjoining cabin, whilst a few of the group go to check out tomorrow's new location- the (not so) abandoned power station. This is enough to tip the mutants, who had previously been content to goggle at the hip gyrating models (as you would), right over the edge. All hell breaks loose. It's an all out battle of the wits (unfortunately neither group came armed), between the kareoke Craven mutant family and the glam rock/model coalition. Who would you put your money on?

          BLOOD TRACKS should be an absolute blast. I won't give away the ending but it pretty much goes exactly where you think it will- one by one, or in small groups, they venture into the derelict power station where they are picked off by lurking monsters and by their elaborate booby traps (I've never seen so much mangled spandex and studded leather in my whole life). Every SCOOBY-DOO'ish cliché is followed to the letter- right down to one character saying to another, "This place is too big- let's split up!" as they explore the mutant's lair. If you noticed I said the film >>should<< be a blast, much of it is, but the print is way too dark (making it difficult to see what's happening during much of the time), plus the version I saw looked like it had much of its gore cut out making some of the scenes choppy and fairly indecipherable (especially given that there are eighteen (count 'em!) deaths in the movie). Now, the makers can't be blamed for snip happy censors or bad video transfers, but the film suffers from inconsistent pacing and lazy plotting, and I couldn't quite shake off the feeling that some of the cheesiness was a little contrived...

         Still, with all said and done, there's enough here to heartily recommend BLOOD TRACKS to any true aficionado of bad horror movies- especially if you can track down an uncut copy (let me know if you do). And, as for me, the scene, where a billowing haired model tries to escape from the marauding mutants on a snow mobile, alone was worth the few quid I shelled out for it and the film now sits proudly next to my copies of DAWN OF THE MUMMY and HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES. The world needs more models vs. monsters movies- and that's an order!

     BODYCOUNT 18      female:6 / male:12

        1) Male stabbed in back
        2) Male stabbed in back
        3) Male has neck grabbed and broken
        4) Male decapitated (head seen rolling)
        5) Male set on fire
        6) Female ripped apart by booby trap
        7) Female impaled on spike
        8) Male has throat cut
        9) Female killed (method unseen)       
      10) Male has eye bitten out (!)
      11) Female killed (method unseen)
      12) Male run through with knife
      13) Male shot to death
      14) Male gets an axe in his head and falls to his death
      15) Female burns to death
      16) Female impaled on booby trap
      17) Male shot and falls to his death
      18) Male shot dead